


I Shall Eat You For Dinner

by MiaMoonWolf



Series: Shorts: Concerning the Goings on of Certain Pesky Persons and Their Pesky Love Lives [6]
Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, Awkward Sexual Situations, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Satire, awkward boys, love potions, the weird
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-02
Updated: 2016-10-02
Packaged: 2018-08-19 01:56:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8184676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiaMoonWolf/pseuds/MiaMoonWolf
Summary: In which the ghost of Haizaki decides that these Quidditch brains need to be love potioned.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! One quick note: this fic is mostly humorous, but there is one love potion induced scene of love-potion induced slight non-con wildness and I didn't want any triggers to go unchecked so if you are uncomfortable with that please don't read! That being said this piece is intended to be satirical (maybe it turned out ok? lol idk).  
> As always I hope that you enjoy!

It happened in a flash. One second Aomine and Kagami were glaring at each other and the next moment the ghost of Haizaki was dropping a potion on them.

“Look out!” Kise yelled. Aomine whipped around to stare at him as the liquid smashed over him. Kagami looked down at his soaked robes in horror before he blinked up to where Kuroko was staring at him from his table with Kise.

“Move aside,” yelled the teacher as she ran towards the boys. “Haizaki what did you throw on them?”

Haizaki swooped down in front of her.

“There’s no antidote, but don’t worry it’ll wear off in 12 hours. Best to let them run free though, otherwise they might get violent,” he snickered.

Her eyes widened. It could only be one thing.

Kise didn’t understand the pitying look that she threw to him and Kuroko.

“Just be careful,” she said.

“Professor?” but then Aomine was staggering towards Kise.

“Kise.”

“Aominecchi, we need to get you cleaned off.”

Aomine nodded compliantly and followed Kise out of the room.

“Kagami-kun?” Kuroko asked worriedly.

“Kuroko,” he said shaking slightly.

“Professor can we go too?”

She waved them off looking troubled.

“Everyone clear up,” she said.

Akashi and Midorima exchanged a look from their corner of the dungeon. Akashi raised his eyebrows and Midorima shrugged. “Professor,” Akashi said after everyone had left.

“Oh Akashi-kun, what is it?”

“Love potion?” he asked.

She looked uncomfortable and that was all that Akashi needed to see to know that he was right.

“Come Shintarou.”

“What’d Haizaki mean by they could get violent?” Takao asked worriedly.

“Have you ever seen someone go mad with longing?” Akashi asked.

Takao shook his head.

“It’s disgusting,” Akashi said and they filed out of the room.

They were silent as they walked out of the castle and onto the grounds. Because it was summer it was still light out, and warm enough that they could study outside.

They camped under a tree by the lake and started getting their books out.

“Shouldn’t we be making sure that Kagami and Aomine aren’t doing something that they’ll regret?” Takao finally asked, unable to keep his worry for himself. He imagined them getting way too handsy with each other and then ruining their already strained friendship.

“Tetsu can handle himself,” Akashi said simply.

This seemed an odd thing to say.

“What does that matter?” Takao said when Akashi didn’t elaborate.

Akashi didn’t even spare him a glance. “Well even if Taiga tries to jump him, Tetsu will just slip away.”

“But… but isn’t he going to try to jump Aomine?”

At this Akashi did look up.

“The potion causes you to fall in love with the first person that you see.”

Takao blinked before understanding came to him and he bolted up.

“We have to go help them!”

Akashi shrugged “not my problem.”

“What? Shin-chan you think that we should go help right?”

Midorima turned a page idly “n.o.”

“They could ruin their friendships.”

“Ryouta’s smart enough to figure it out,” Akashi said.

Midorima let out a huff of disagreement, but didn’t comment.

“But won’t Kagami embarrass himself somehow?” Takao asked feeling like every moment wasted was precious.

“Kuroko won’t care, he’ll just attribute it to the potion.”

“So we should just leave them be?!?!”

“Precisely,” Midorima cut in.

Takao flopped down on the grass feeling like everything was going to go wrong.

***

“Do you feel ok Kagami-kun?”

Kagami nodded.

“You need to get cleaned off.”

“Yeah I’ll go take a shower.”

“Ok, and then would you like to study?”

Kagami nodded again before heading up to Gryffindor tower and into the shower room.

He let the cool spray wash over him, but it didn’t change the heat that was building inside. Having Kuroko look out for him meant a lot. It always meant a lot. He sighed as he took his erection in his hand. How many times had he imagined Kuroko in here with him? Imagined pressing him up against the shower, Kuroko’s creamy thighs spread open for him as he pressed his hands against the wall and stuck his ass out towards Kagami. The way that he would look back and tell Kagami to take him. Kagami’s hand moved faster as fantasy Kuroko moaned at the sensation of Kagami fingering open his hole.

“So good Kagami-kun,” he imagined him saying. Kagami would pump his fingers faster before Kuroko would tell him that he was ready that he wanted- no _needed_ Kagami to enter him. How Kagami would carefully, ever so carefully slip into him, the warmth that would envelope him. The heat of Kuroko that was only for him.

Kagami spilled over his hand. He was panting as the familiar tingle spread down his spine and through his body only to be replaced by the cold that always followed when he inevitably realized what he’d done. He felt guilty thinking of Kuroko like this. Kuroko was his best friend and yet he couldn’t stop himself from imagining him as something more. Kagami could never bring himself to think of anything other than Kuroko whenever he got like this. Because Kuroko was just… he turned off the water and grabbed his towel.

***

“Aominecchi we need to get this off you right away,” Kise said as they made their way to the Slytherin common room.

Aomine was staring at Kise as he strode in front of him. Had his voice always sounded so sexy? His hair always been so shiny? It looked soft, so fucking soft and Aomine just wanted to touch it. He reached out to run his fingers through it.

Kise whipped around and Aomine stepped closer to brush the hair out of Kise’s face, his fingers carding through it.

“Aominecchi what’re you doing?” Kise said in confusion.

“I just wanted to touch it.”

“Why?”

“Because it looked so soft.”

Kise frowned at him “of course it’s soft. But we have to go now, and get you cleaned up.”

Aomine was frustrated when Kise turned away and continued to march towards the showers.

“If you give me your robes I’ll put them in the wash right away,” Kise said as they reached the line of shower stalls.

Aomine stripped off his robes.

“Ok,” Kise said, but before he could turn around Aomine was already speeding to take everything off. “Jeez Aominecchi I know that I see you changing in the locker room, but there’s no need to be so enthusiastic about getting naked,” Kise said as he rolled his eyes and left.

Aomine stood there in his birthday suit as he stared after the blonde disbelieving of how easily Kise had just dismissed him. And now only one thing was going through his mind: that is one nice ass.

***

Kagami changed and met Kuroko outside of the Hufflepuff common room. The walk down from Gryffindor tower, although short, had been enough for him to cool his head.

“Kagami-kun,” Kuroko said as he hurried over. “Feeling any better?”

Kagami nodded.

“Just kind of… hot.”

Kuroko put his hand to Kagami’s forehead and he leaned into the touch before he realized what he was doing and stopped himself before Kuroko noticed how nice Kagami thought it felt.

“You are a little warm. But I’m glad that Kagami-kun is cleaned off now,” Kuroko said and Kagami was pleased to see that some of the worry had disappeared. They made their way to the library. Kagami couldn’t quite understand why he was having such trouble keeping his impulses in check. It was always a little bit difficult to be around Kuroko, but he’d gotten used to controlling himself, so usually he wouldn’t let himself lean in or stare too long. That potion must’ve given him some kind of cold. That must be why he wasn’t able to focus as easily. Well he wouldn’t let this potion ruin things. He was determined to be careful around Kuroko, to not hurt him.

***

He’d fuck him so hard and fast until Kise was screaming. Screaming Aomine’s name over and over. Fuck and he’d look so good tied up in Aomine’s green silk bed sheets. He bet Kise was a kinky little shit. Bet that he’d love to have a cock rammed up his ass.

Aomine came for a second time, but it wasn’t enough, he needed Kise. Needed to touch him, to see him panting and moaning, crying out for Aomine to go faster and faster and, fuck he was hard again. Aomine jerked himself off for a third time and it actually hurt slightly. But damn it felt good too. He needed to go find Kise.

***

It was almost dinnertime and Akashi finally had a chance to speak to Midorima alone.

“Daiki’s going to do something stupid, I just know it,” he said. Midorima nodded.

“I’ll distract Takao.”

“He’d just fret needlessly,” Akashi said as he looked heavenward.

“And possibly make things worse or get hurt by interfering,” Midorima said.

Akashi was no fool. He actually wasn’t worried about Kagami. Even though he was an idiot he did have good self-control when it came to Kuroko, that much was obvious. Aomine on the other hand… well Kise might not see him coming and no matter what Akashi had said to Takao to assuage his fears, Akashi was entirely convinced that Aomine was a loose cannon that had to be stopped.

***

Aomine put on his briefs and a pair of sweatpants and examined his naked torso in the mirror. He looked great of course, definitely the sort of body that would entice Kise. He wondered how Kise would taste. Sweet? Woodsy? He hurried into the common room, to find it empty except for a blonde head of hair. Most everyone else was probably up at dinner. Good Aomine thought, he and Kise would be undisturbed.

“What took you so long?” Kise said as he stood up. “I was getting really worr-”

Aomine had bolted over and now had an arm wrapped around Kise’s waist, his other hand flying up to pull his head sideways so that he could lick up his neck. Kise gave a yelp as the wet tongue made it’s way up to his ear.

“You taste just as good as I thought.”

“What are you doing Aominecchi!” Kise said angrily as he tried to push him away. But Aomine just held him closer.

“I could fucking eat you Ryouta, rip you apart.”

Kise was seriously freaked out now and raised his wand to perform a shield charm. Aomine, he must have eyes in the back of his head, Kise thought, had snatched his wand away and thrown it to the side. Kise huffed at the indignity of having his wand snatched.

“What the fuck Ao- ahhhh” Aomine had chomped down on the juncture between his neck and his shoulder.

“Going to fuck you so good,” Aomine said feverishly. “Make you cum as you ride my dick so hot, and wet, and-”

Kise felt as Aomine’s body went rigid and fell away from him. There in the doorway stood Akashi with his wand out.

“What a pervert,” Akashi said looking bored. He walked over to pick up Kise’s wand.

“Thanks,” Kise said as he took his wand back and looked down at where Aomine was frozen with a look of pure ecstasy on his face.

“Well I’m not surprised that love and lust are the same for Daiki. Disgusting. Well have a good night Ryouta.”

“Wait love and lust?” Kise said startled and confused.

“Haizaki threw a love potion at him,” Akashi said shaking his head. And then he leviosa-ed Aomine up in front of him and went out the secret backdoor that led towards the Quidditch pitch.

“Dear mother and father I promise to study poison antidotes every day from here on out,” Kise said as he collapsed on the floor.

***

“Kagami seems to be acting completely normally,” Takao said as he hid behind a book at dinner and peered over at where Kuroko and Kagami were talking to Hyuuga.

“You don’t need to hide behind your book Takao,” Midorima said.

“But what if they see me!” Takao said as he peered over again.

“It’s dinner…” Midorima said.

“Whatever, where’re Kise and Aomine,” he said sneaking glances at the Slytherin table surreptitiously.

“Akashi went to check on them so don’t worry.”

“Oh, ok good good,” Takao said as he tried to eat, and hide himself, and spy on Kuroko and Kagami.

***

“What the fuck are you doing!” Aomine roared as he finally came to.

Akashi had duct taped him to the base of a pole on the Quidditch field.

“Saving you from yourself,” Akashi said absently as he waved his wand towards the castle.

“Get me down from here you asshole! I need to find Kise and make sweet fucking sex to him.”

Akashi snorted, “aren’t you supposed to say something like ‘make love to him?’”

Aomine ground his teeth. “When I get down from here I will fucking kill you.”

“See that, that right there is the sort of bad personality trait that we want to avoid. Now shut up,” Akashi said.

Aomine opened his mouth to speak but Akashi just waved his wand and muted him. Just then a plate of food came whizzing towards them.

“Ah finally.” Akashi caught the food, conjured up a picnic blanket and then sat down to read.

***

“Kagami-kun is there anything else that I can get you? Do you still feel feverish?”

“I’ll be ok,” Kagami said. The truth was that he did still feel overheated, more so than before actually. And nothing sounded better than going down to the lake and having a nice long chat with Kuroko as the sun set. “Listen Kuroko,” he hesitated, “thanks for checking on me today,” he finished lamely. Inwardly praising himself for his ability to control his desire to spend every second with Kuroko.

“I’m happy that you’re ok Kagami-kun,” he smiled. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

Kagami nodded and they went their separate ways.

***

Aomine was freezing his balls off. Akashi had cast a bunch of repelling charms in a circle around them and had then pitched a tent – like a literal tent – on the field for the night.

The next day he looked much too smug as his goddamn alarm clock went off at 5 AM.

“I’m going to let you down now,” Akashi said.

Aomine felt himself crumple to the ground with the lack of use in his legs. And then his mute spell was broken.

His voice was hoarse as he opened his mouth to tell Akashi off.

“What the hell?”

“Oh yes Daiki, you are in fact welcome.”

“Welcome?!?! You just handed me my ass.”

“Hmm so what exactly do you want to go off and do with Ryouta again?”

“With Ki- oh shit.”

Akashi smirked in a self-satisfied sort of way.

“Don’t forget to apologize for trying to eat him.”

Aomine broke into a cold sweat, all thought of his freezing balls forgotten. He remembered that need, that insatiable desire to devour, to _eat_ Kise. What had he been thinking? He had been insane with longing, all other thoughts pushed to the back of his mind, and then he remembered with horror how he had imagined Kise naked and panting when he’d been jacking it in the shower, thrice.

“We need to go murder Haizaki.”

“I’m going to pretend that a side effect of the love potion wearing off is stupidity, and just remind you that ghosts are already dead,” Akashi said as he finished undoing the magical circle and started back towards the castle.

“Where’s our pet basilisk when we need him!” Aomine raged as he followed.

***

They were all lounging in the room of requirement because it was Saturday and none of them felt much like studying after what had happened.

Aomine couldn’t look Kise in the face. He’d mumbled a horrified sorry as he’d noticed the huge purple bruise on Kise’s neck. Kise for his part had turned bright red and shook his head frantically before going to hide between Midorima and Takao.

“It was a love potion,” Akashi told Kagami when he’d asked what it was.

“Oh,” Kagami said as comprehension dawned. That made sense. He already loved Kuroko so the effects had just caused his feelings to come into sharper relief, making it more difficult to resist Kuroko’s charms, but then again he was used to keeping himself in check, so he’d already known how to do it.

“But I don’t get it,” Takao said. Midorima turned a second too late with a ‘stop talking’ look on his face. “If Kagami was hit by a love potion then why was he acting totally normal?” Midorima sighed in agony as the damage was done.

They all stared at Kagami whose eyes had gone wide.

“I- I-” he stammered.

“Aha!” Aomine yelled, momentarily forgetting his own worries, so eager was he to get someone else in trouble. “Kagami is already in love with Kuroko!”

Midorima and Akashi both groaned, but Kuroko merely turned towards Kagami unflinchingly.

“Is that true Kagami-kun?”

Kagami sighed as he saw defeat on the horizon. “It’s true.”

Kuroko nodded slowly. “I love Kagami-kun too so it’s ok.”

Kagami stared at Kuroko who was now smiling.

“Kuroko I-”

“Let’s go somewhere else to discuss this,” Kuroko said as he stood up and bowed to the others before leaving.

Kagami followed in wonder. Maybe Haizaki had actually done something good for once.

***

They walked down to the lake, Kuroko slipping his hand into Kagami’s when they got near the waters edge.

“How long?” Kuroko asked. Kagami was so busy memorizing the feel of Kuroko’s rough fingers that he needed a moment to understand what Kuroko was asking.

“Oh, well,” he looked down at his feet not wanting to say the simple, and ridiculous sounding, ‘always’ that was on the tip of his tongue. “For a long time now,” he said as he looked up. Kuroko’s eyes were always startlingly blue, but when Kuroko was really happy Kagami could see that happiness reflected in those eyes, and it just made Kuroko even more beautiful.

“I’ve liked you for a long time too,” Kuroko said stepping forward.

It was so easy, like the most natural thing in the world to hold onto the front of Kuroko’s robes lightly and lean down to kiss him. Just a brush of the lips, soft and inviting and comfortable. They sat down afterwards and looked out at the water, never had Kagami felt so excited off the Quidditch Pitch.

***

Kise scratched his neck absently as Kagami and Kuroko disappeared. He had forgotten about the huge bite mark that now colored his skin, but he shivered as his nails made contact.

Only Akashi seemed to notice. Kise hurriedly looked away to where Takao was staring at the door in pure joy completely unaware of the burning gaze that Midorima had for him. Well it would’ve been better if it had been Midorima, who had gotten hit with the potion, not Aomine. Kise was sure that Takao would’ve been the first to call out to him. That Midorima would’ve done exactly what Kagami had and that instead of Kise sitting here and feeling confused by how nice it felt to have Aomine want him, Midorima and Takao would be walking out to have their own confession session just like Kuroko and Kagami.

Kise didn’t understand. He’d never thought of Aomine in a romantic sense, he was too busy trying to score more points than him as a chaser on the Slytherin Quidditch team to think of anything else. But now that he thought about it… no he needed to not think about it.

“Well, this has been instructive,” Akashi said as he stretched up.

“Um has it?” Kise asked feeling even more unsure of things.

“Yes,” he said checking his watch. “I’ve decided that I’m going to go get myself a date with Shuuzou.” Kise saw his expression of mingled shock and confusion mirrored on Aomine’s face.

“Later,” Akashi said as he exited.

For a minute Kise and Aomine shared a moment of mutual exasperation. Usually they would start cracking jokes at Akashi’s expense right about now, but after everything that had happened, all Kise could do was gape at the realization that now that he thought about Aomine that way, he couldn’t _unthink_ about him that way.

“Just fucking makeout already,” Midorima said as he stood up. “Jesus.”

Kise was so startled that Midorima had cursed that he didn’t immediately register what he’d said.

“Makeout- who- with- but,” Aomine said in stutters.

“You’re both thinking about it so just do it. If it feels weird then stop,” Midorima said. “Takao we’re no longer needed here.”

Takao scrambled up to follow Midorima out before freezing, the door closing behind Midorima.

“What are the chances that Shin-chan likes me?” Takao whispered quickly.

“What?” Aomine said looking grossed out.

“10 out of 10,” Kise answered.

“Right,” Takao said as he scurried. “Well uh I’ll see you later.” The door had barely closed before it opened again. “I just want to say that I’m horrified that you mauled him,” Takao said fiercely to Aomine, “you’re a wizard not a werewolf. Although he doesn’t seem to care so maybe it’s ok.” Takao stopped to think about it again before shaking his head and leaving.

Aomine turned to Kise, the bright spot where Aomine had attacked showed up extremely clearly on his pale skin and Aomine felt guilty.

“Was he right?” he asked Kise.

“What? Of course he’s right, or is there something that you haven’t told me.”

Aomine stared back confused. “So you didn’t care?”

Now Kise looked confused. “I thought you meant his comment about you being a wizard and not a werewolf.”

“Oh,” said Aomine blushing, “I meant, about you- liking it maybe,” he muttered.

“I didn’t really like it actually,” Kise said embarrassed as he felt the bruise gingerly.

“Shit I’m sorry Kise I’m really sorry. I should go,” he said as he too hoisted himself up out of his chair.

“Wait I didn’t mean- just well the biting was kind of scary.”

“Right,” Aomine said. “Um… but what Midorima said, I mean I was totally doped up so….”

“Of course,” Kise said quickly. “So it wasn’t your fault and now we can just be friends again.”

“Right, friends,” Aomine said.

“Yeah.”

They stared at each other uncertainly.

“I suppose we should,” Kise gestured to the door and they both exited.

They resolutely looked straight ahead, both of them trying not to think about how much they wanted to see what would happen if they did in fact try it out.

***

Four months later and the sexual tension had reached boiling point. Aomine was so high strung that he was having wet dreams almost every night.

“Akashi we need to talk.”

“What is it?”

“It’s… you remember that love potion?”

“Who could forget.”

“Well I think it’s effects never wore off,” Aomine said earnestly. “I need a cure.”

Akashi sighed the sigh of a man longsuffering.

“Daiki,” he said as he put a hand on his shoulder. “I think it’s time I tell you.”

This was it, Akashi was going to explain why it hadn’t fully left.

“You like Ryouta of your own accord, the love potion only lasted 12 hours.”

“That’s impossible!”

“My guess,” Akashi said over his cries of outrage, “is that you never thought about it before the love potion. But then once you took it you realized that, in fact, Ryouta is quite spectacular. So although the drug is no longer in your system it did show you something that you want. Right?”

“I don’t know what the fuck you just said.”

“Just tell him you like him, for all our sakes.”

***

Kise had jerked off again to the idea of Aomine shirtless in his sweatpants. Something about that lust-filled gaze really got Kise going. He felt like an idiot. Stupid love potion had made Aomine act like he wanted Kise, and now Kise wanted nothing more than for that to be true.

But he wouldn’t do anything.

***

Midorima couldn’t take it anymore. He waited until the Great Hall was almost empty before getting up from the Ravenclaw table to do the most unethical thing he’d ever done. There were Kise and Aomine sitting far too close to each other at dinner. Kise was licking his spoon with the sort of indecency that caused the other Slytherins around him to squirm and shift away from the pair. Aomine, that idiot, was staring hungrily at Kise’s mouth, while he shoved food into his own mouth. Midorima stood right behind them, rolling his eyes at the fact that they hadn’t even noticed his presence, and dumped a bottle over their heads.

“Oh no,” he said in mock surprise, “I dropped my love potion.”

Aomine and Kise froze.

Midorima backed away quickly as time seemed to speed up.

Aomine had launched himself off of the bench right on top of Kise and Kise had wrapped his legs around Aomine and started kissing him ferociously. Aomine stood up swaying precariously, Kise wrapped around him so tight that it was hard to tell whose body was whose as Aomine backed out of the hall and stumbled towards the dungeons.

Unbeknownst to the pair Akashi was magicking objects out of the path as they descended the stairs.

Kise’s nails raked down Aomine’s back.

“Shit Ryouta, amazing you’re fucking amazing.”

Akashi quickly opened the door to a magical broom closet for them. They didn’t notice as they stepped in.

After the door slammed shut Akashi magicked a sign onto it “Caution: Wild Beasts Inside. Keep Out.”

He performed some silencing charms as a moan reached his ears. Fucking rabbits. Midorima came up by his side.

“They finally doing it?”

“Finally,” Akashi said. “That wasn’t actually love potion was it?”

“Nope,” Midorima responded.

They both rolled their eyes and then ascended the stairs back up to the light.

“So double date with Shuuzou and Takao?” Akashi asked.

“Sounds good, let’s ask Kuroko and Kagami too.”

“Excellent.”


End file.
